How to Stop Overthinking Relationships: A Mindfulness-Based Guide
Overthinking is an experience many of us have in various aspects of our lives. Relationships are certainly a place where a tendency to overthink can come to light. We wonder why someone didn’t text us back, read too much into things, and generally try to create certainty where it just doesn’t exist.
In my work with couples, I see this overthinking as a common cause of relationship stress. The good news is that mindfulness has plenty to offer when it comes to working with overthinking in relationships. We can learn to observe thoughts without judgement, recognize the causes, and respond with self-compassion when the mind just won’t stop.
The Suffering of Overthinking
Overthinking simply doesn’t feel good. It’s a clear example of the two arrows, or that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. We experience some unpleasant or painful emotion or thought, and respond by trying to think our ways out of it. We mistake rumination for problem solving, or over-analyzing for productivity.
When we continue thinking, we rarely come to an actual solution or help the situation. Instead, we work ourselves up, feed the thought loops, and have a delusion of certainty. What starts as a simple uncomfortable thought often snowballs into a whole-body and mind experience of suffering before we know it.
Often when we’re overthinking something in our relationships, there’s some sort of feeling that we’ll get closure or come to a useful conclusion. But ask yourself how many times you’ve actually found that to be true. Instead of helping, the overthinking actually makes us feel worse.
Working with Overthinking in Relationships
I want to start by offering a few things you can do here, and then I’ll offer some more formal meditation practices in the next section.
Recognize Thinking Loops
One of the most basic things we can do is begin to notice when we are stuck in these thinking loops. If we are to work with overthinking, we need to first recognize when it is happening. It’s only be knowing the experience that we can begin to choose how we respond. Furthermore, just recognizing overthinking is often enough to take some of its power away.
As you tune into the experience of overthinking more regularly, you’ll likely notice habits and patterns. Maybe you repeatedly check your phone, imagine conversations that haven’t yet happened, or replay the same memory or argument in your head. This isn’t to judge yourself, but to begin to get to know the specific loops your mind gets caught in.
Observe, Don’t Hook In
If we could just observe without hooking in, there wouldn’t be much use for this post at all. I know it is easier said than done. What happens with thoughts is a natural hooking in often. We believe the thought and follow it without even considering if doing so is useful.
To help with this, there are many things we can do. You might turn away from the mind and into the body to see if any feeling is present. You also can notice the reaction of the mind rather than the thought itself. When a thought comes up, does the mind want to fix it? Or maybe it wants the the thought to go away. Instead of letting the actual thought control experience, we can tune into other aspects of the experience to not allow ourselves to get carried off.
I will note that meditation helps immensely with this. Mindfulness practice gives us the opportunity to practice this over and over again. With time, the repeated reps help us strengthen this mental muscle and give us more ease in just observing thoughts neutrally.
Turn Toward the Present
This is related to the previous point, as it is a way to unhook from the thoughts. But specifically, we can remind ourselves to be with the present-time experience when we notice overthinking arising. Let’s take an example. you haven’t heard from your partner all morning. The mind tells you that they’re upset with you, there’s distance between the two of you, or that the relationship is ending.
But what is actually happening in reality in the present? The reality is you haven’t heard from them today and perhaps don’t know why. The reality is also that you feel some discomfort with this fact. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s hurt. All of the stories the mind begins telling are just responses to the discomfort that you’re experiencing in this moment. Instead of feeding the stories, turn back toward this root cause of what you’re actually feeling.
Feel the discomfort, recognize the feeling tone, and perhaps respond with compassion. Instead of watering the seeds of overthinking, you can choose to change your relationship to these uncomfortable emotions. The feeling may uncomfortable, but the suffering of trying to resist it is often more painful.
Accept Uncertainty
Being okay with the unknown is a lifelong practice for many of us. The mind doesn’t like uncertainty, and creates stories to fill gaps. Every relationship carries with it some quality of vulnerability and uncertainty. This is just reality, and not something we can change by out-thinking it.
This is an aspect of overthinking that many of us don’t look at closely. We look for answers or try to create solutions. The reality is that some things we just don’t know the answers to. We may not know why someone didn’t text us back. But creating the story in our head doesn’t actually create a certainty.
As such, we can spend some time working toward more resilience when it comes to the unknown. When you find yourself uncomfortable not knowing, recognize it for what it is. It’s a discomfort with the unknown; all of the thoughts and stories that follow are borne from that simple discomfort.
Connection Over Control
Often, in these moments of overthinking we are focused on control and figuring things out. We lose sight of what is important to us, most notably connection. We can actively turn toward connection to use our energy more wisely.
This involves some level of vulnerability. Can you express your experience with overthinking mindfully and usefully to your partner without putting it on them? Maybe you can find a way to connect with your partner, as overthinking often drives a wedge in a relationship. Furthermore, connection can help us feel safe and comfortable, weakening the experience of overthinking.
Know When to Be Done
One of the most useful and pragmatic things you can do when you recognize overthinking is to simply know when to be done. When you see the mind overthinking, ask yourself a few questions. Can you “solve” this problem right now? Will thinking about it more help? If the answer is no, then be done.
Often, by reflecting like this we bring in the rational mind. Overthinking is habitual and comes from our sympathetic nervous system. By asking ourselves these questions, we engage with rational thought and step out of the thought loop.
Mindfulness and Compassion
Let’s get on to actual meditation practices we can use to stop overthinking in relationships. First, it’s a common meditation myth that we shouldn’t be thinking during meditation. We can actually train ourselves to work with the thinking mind in a way that cultivates compassion, understanding, and nonattachment.
If you don’t have a meditation practice, I recommend trying our Month of Mindfulness. It’s a free monthlong program where you receive a short, 3-5 minute meditation every day to your inbox. It’s offered as a way to build the meditation habit and get to know different practices (including the ones below). We also have plenty of online groups and classes here.
Mindfulness of Thoughts
As already mentioned, it’s normal to think during meditation. We don’t need to clear our minds or stop all thinking to practice. By actively turning toward the thinking mind, we build an ability to relate to our thoughts with more equanimity, clarity, and understanding.
Below is a guided meditation for beginners on working with thoughts. Give it a shot. Remember that meditation takes time and consistency. With repeated practice, we grow able to observe thoughts mindfully rather than reactively.
https://youtu.be/fyizVP5-AcI?si=L0XQ_HLfgEXhuiGl
Mindfulness of Mental States
When working with overthinking, it can be helpful to look at mental states rather than individual thoughts. Mental states are the overarching states of mind we experience, not the thoughts themselves. For example, there may be thoughts replaying an old argument. The mental state may be craving (for answers), contracted, distracted, etc.
As we learn to detach from thoughts, paying attention to mental states gives us something to focus on that isn’t the thought itself. We stay slightly removed, and less likely to get sucked into individual thoughts. Below is a short meditation on mental states from my Mindfulness for Beginners playlist.
https://youtu.be/X-g7IMiLSWY?si=WFQ_j2gWMNObwdxx
Self-Compassion
These moments of overthinking are moments of suffering. As such, they call for compassion. Compassion is the quality of meeting pain or suffering with presence and an open heart. Practicing compassion means we turn toward the uncomfortable emotion, thought, and/or feeling and care for it rather than push it away.
This helps us in multiple ways. First, we grow able to be with the discomfort. Instead of trying to solve the pain and creating more suffering, we begin to increase our capacity to sit with the dis-ease. Additionally, we grow less reactive once we do find ourselves overthinking the relationship. We pause, care for it, and are able to see it more clearly.
https://youtu.be/Sx4DAD3MghM?si=qjCtwh2pQhBo4J5r
Grounding in the Body
Sometimes the best thing we can do in a moment of overwhelm is to leave the mind behind completely. By grounding in the body, we can both get a break from the thinking mind and engage the parasympathetic nervous system. This helps us feel safe and deactivates the fight, flight, or freeze response.
We can do this during daily life through mindful grounding exercises, but it also can be helpful to dedicate some time to body practices. Below is a body scan meditation that I find to be the best introduction to mindfulness of the body.
https://youtu.be/9aiBxW_TTYI?si=k7o7wghYpI2FiPUb
Couples Meditations
Finally, I want to offer a few ways to practice as a couple. Although we think of mindfulness or meditation as solitary activity, there are actually plenty of ways to meditate as a couple. To start, it can be helpful just to have your personal meditation practice that you do together!
There are also mindfulness-based practices like dyads, where you practice both speaking and listening with mindfulness. These practices offer a great way to cultivate mindfulness, connect more deeply, and discuss experiences like overthinking, insecurity, and fear.
You also might check out my post on mindfulness activities for couples for more ideas. And of course don’t forget about our Mindful Relationships class series. This is a monthlong class series we offer several times a year focusing on bringing mindfulness to relationships, the difficulties, and the joys.
Finding Additional Support
If you are experiencing overthinking to a level that it is significantly impacting your wellbeing and functioning, you may want to consider finding professional support. I am not a licensed therapist, but I do work with One Mind Therapy, who offers online therapy for anxiety.
If you want to make mindfulness a part of your daily life or begin to build a meditation practice, please reach out here for a free consultation. I work with individuals around the world who want to start meditating, investigate difficulties through the lens of mindfulness, or find mindfulness-based practices to help with whatever they’re struggling with.
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Matthew Sockolov is a Buddhist meditation teacher who trained at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Completing the Dharma Leader training program in 2017, Matthew was given power to teach in the Insight Meditation tradition by Jack Kornfield, Kittisaro, Thanissara, and others. You can learn more about Matthew here.