In relationships, we can fall into taking things for granted and growing accustomed to the things our partners do. Perhaps we feel moments of gratitude, or even a feeling that we should feel grateful. Incorporating gratitude practices in relationships is a powerful way to actively cultivate feelings of appreciation and gratitude.

Gratitude doesn’t mean we ignore the difficulties or problems. We don’t have to pretend the relationship is perfect. Rather, gratitude helps us to tune into the ways we appreciate our partners. As we continue to practice gratitude, we notice more and more appreciation arising. It becomes natural to live gratefully.

Why Gratitude Matters in Relationships

Gratitude has many positive effects on relationships. We appreciate our partners as they are, strengthen connection, bring mindfulness to the relationship, and helps determine where we put our attention and energy. As we lend some awareness to the ways in which we are grateful, we train the mind. This is just like training the mind with loving-kindness, mindfulness, or compassion.

As we train the mind in gratitude, it impacts our perspective on the relationship and our partner. We begin to view each other and the relationship through a different lens. This helps us live with gratitude in everday life, approach difficult conversations more mindfully, and have patience and perspectiev when there is stress in life.

Furthermore, research has found many benefits of gratitude in relationships. These benefits include:

Increased self-esteem and relational value (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/02654075251325431)
Increased likelihood of caring and generous behavior by the recipient of gratitude and giver (https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/gratitude_is_for_lovers)
Protection against stressful situations (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11192521/)
Increased generosity and prosocial behavior (https://research.baylor.edu/news/story/2022/cultivating-gratitude-strengthening-social-bonds)

Gratitude Practices for Couples

The practices below offer intentional ways to cultivate gratitude in your relationship. Some are simple practices you can do during your day, while others are more structured. I encourage you to discuss together which practices might be useful and accessible, and begin to investigate!

Sharing a Gratitude List

This is one of the simplest things you can do, and there are many ways to do it. I’ll offer one way to do it below, but feel free to change the amount of items or time of day to suit your needs. You can do this at night, maybe before bed or wherever it fits into your daily routine.

Name one thing you appreciate that your partner did today.
Name one thing you appreciate about your partner.
Name one thing you appreciate about your life together.

In mindful couples counseling, I recommend picking something new every day. Try not to repeat answers. This can help encourage you to dig a little bit and find different experiences to be grateful for. I also encourage you to just give a one-sentence answer. Keep it short and clear.

Dyad Gratitude Practices

Dyad practices are absolutely one of my favorite practices for couples in general. It’s a great way to practice mindful speech, mindful listening, and creating space for one another. This is a structured practice that offers each partner and opportunity to fully listen and speak freely without interruption. We can do dyads with compassion, mindfulness, and any other aspect of relationships. Here are some instructions for a dyad gratitude practice:

Preparation

Sit at eye level, facing one another
Choose one partner to speak first
Set a timer for an agreed-upon time, such as 2 or 3 minutes

The Practice

Start the timer, and the speaking partner can begin sharing things they appreciate about the other partner and/or the relationship
Both people can practice mindfulness while speaking/listening. This is not a back-and-forth. Mindfully speak, and mindfully listen.
When the timer goes off, switch roles. The partner who was previously listening now can share what they appreciate.

There are many ways to practice dyads, and this is just one. We can use different questions, and there are different formats. We have more questions/prompts, and further information about the practice here.

Couple’s Gratitude Journal

I’m a fan of mindfulness journals and writing as a meditation practice in general. Writing down our gratitude can help us process information differently. I find myself surprised sometimes by the things that come out while writing. This practice is a combined journal, which may seem a bit odd at first.

Find a notebook or journal, and put it somewhere you both can easily access. When you pass it, consider pausing and writing something you appreciate about your partner or your relationship. At the end of the day or week, you’ll have a list of things you appreciate in one another. This is something in our house that really helps cultivate appreciation in relationships, and many of my students have found it useful as well!

Couple’s Gratitude Meditation

Although we think of meditation as a solitary practice, there are many ways for couples to meditate together. We have a handful of meditations for couples here you can check out. Gratitude is of course one quality we can cultivate in meditation together. Below is a guided gratitude meditation for couples you two can do together!

Revisiting Memories

As a mindfulness teacher, I’m all for living in the present moment in general. Sometimes, however, we can live in the moment while reflecting on the past. You can do this in a structured way (like with dyads), or just have a casual conversation over lunch one day. You might just reflect on pleasant memories you have together, sharing in the gratitude together. Or you can bring up specifics, like special vacations together, times you laughed together, times you felt comforted. etc. Remember to stay grounded in the feeling of gratitude as you do so.

Gratitude Letters

This is an old practice I was first given by a therapist many years ago. Again, it’s a writing practice. I recommend setting a timer for five or ten minutes. Sit and simply write down what you appreciate about your partner. Anything goes. Include anything about their personality, your relationship, things they’ve done, experiences you’ve had together, etc. You then can exchange letters. Remember to tune into the gratitude as you read the letter from your partner.

Cultivating a Practice Together

I have to mention meditation and mindfulness! Cultivating a practice together is one of the most lovely things we can do as a couple. This may be through a shared meditation practice, mindfulness activities for couples, or simply reading the same mindfulness books. Although our practices are different, I am deeply grateful that my partner and I both have a meditation practice.

When both partner practice meditation, we cultivate mindfulness and compassion together. Having a partner who also practices is a beautiful way to connect. If you’re not sure where to get started, you might join us for one of our online meditation classes. You can also try my Month of Mindfulness program. It’s a free month of short meditations (3-6 minutes) that offers an introduction to various techniques and helps you build the meditation habit!

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