How to Have Difficult Conversations Mindfully: 10 Practical Tips
We simply cannot go through life avoiding difficult conversations. They are part of the human experience. Mindfully navigating these uncomfortable conversations isn’t about avoiding all conflict, being passive, suppressing emotions, or making every conversation calm. It’s about being mindful of our own reactions, mindful of others, and recognizing what’s happening.
I work a lot with people in my mindfulness coaching practice on their relationships. One of the most common difficulties people share surrounds this topic of difficult conversations. It might be a partner or spouse, an employer or coworker, or a friend. Whatever it is, learning to have a difficult conversation mindfully can help support the relationship and your personal wellbeing.
What Does Mindfulness Look Like With Difficult Conversations?
When people reach out to me for mindful couples counseling, part of the intake includes a discussion about what they would like to work one. Having difficult conversations more mindfully is included in nearly every answer. It’s a common experience. We want to be able to engage in these moments with more patience, presence, loving-kindness, and compassion.
Mindfully engaging in difficult conversations brings many benefits. We can:
Listen more deeply and understand the other person’s perspective
Communicate your thoughts and feelings more clearly
Reduce the tendency to become defensive
Prevent small disagreements from suddenly escalating
Give ourselves space to respond rather than react
Communicate with our core values rather than acute emotions
Create space for loving-kindness and compassion
Clarify and respect boundaries - both ours and the other person’s
Tolerate the discomfort without trying to escape or change it
Personally, I find that when I engage mindfully in difficult conversations with my spouse, the biggest benefit comes with the lack of escalation. We used to have conversations about small disagreements that blew up into full-on arguments. When I go into a conversation mindfully (and to her credit, Elizabeth also has a deep and rich mindfulness practice), this almost never happens. We see the escalation and pause, perhaps even taking a break.
Tips for Having Difficult Conversations Mindfully
There are many things I can say about having difficult conversations more mindfully. A lot of the practice centers around the teachings of Wise Speech. I encourage you to read through these tips and take what is useful. Additionally, a regular meditation practice will help approach these uncomfortable situations with more clarity and mindfulness.
Meditate Before Starting
One of the best things you can do before a difficult conversation is to pause and meditate. Collecting yourself in this way can help lay a strong foundation for the difficult conversation. You might practice a minute or two of mindful breathing, some loving-kindness for the other person, self-compassion, or appreciative joy. Whatever you do, it doesn’t need to be a long sit. Just a few minutes is often enough to make a difference.
If you need some inspiration, there’s a meditation below from our two minute practices that you can use. We have plenty more on mindfulness, kindness, compassion, and more. These are great little mindfulness breaks that work well for situations like this.
Connect With Your Intentions
Often, in the midst of difficult conversations we lose touch with what really matters to us. This is something I do before I go into difficult conversations, and before meditation periods as well. You don’t need to create an intention or manifest anything. Just connect with the intention that is already there within you.
Dig deep. An intention to be right or have them hear your experience may be present. But look beneath. Do you have an intention to care for this person? Or maybe a deep intention to take care of yourself. Is there an intention of loving-kindness and compassion for the other person? Perhaps there’s an intention of connecting better. See what’s there, and be mindful of this intention as the conversation starts.
Really Name Your Emotional Experience
Before starting the difficult conversation, you can tune into your own emotional experience. What is present for you? Maybe there’s nervousness, fear of confrontation, anxiety, care for the other person, or any number of other emotions. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. The task here isn’t to make ourselves feel the “right” thing, but to honor where we are.
You might just do this silently in your head, or use a journal or notebook to jot down your feelings. You also might notice any thoughts or patterns present. Are you rehearsing the conversation in your head? Maybe you feel that you’re overthinking the relationship. You might have thoughts of avoiding the conversation altogether. Recognizing the thoughts and feelings is mindfulness! Get to know what’s going on in your experience.
Consider Timing and Place
One of the core practices of Wise Speech is considering timeliness. This means considering when we choose to say things or have conversations like this. We don’t want to try to have a difficult conversation with our partner when they just walk in the door from a long day at work. We also may not want to have the difficult conversation while lots of friends or others are around.
We can’t wait for the “perfect” time or place of course, or we might end up waiting forever. But this is something to be mindful of. Below is an episode of my podcast in which we discuss Wise Speech a bit more. It’s part of a longer series on the Noble Eightfold Path.
Tune Into the Body
Sometimes we can get lost in the thoughts in the head. Tuning into the body is always a powerful way to re-ground ourselves in the present moment. You might try a mindful grounding exercise, a quick body scan, or just feel the feet planted firmly on the floor. These practices can help us get out of our heads for a moment, engage the parasympathetic nervous system, and return to the present moment with more clarity and less reactivity.
Listen Mindfully
Mindful listening is essential when it comes to having difficult conversations mindfully. The nature of conversation is often dynamic. Although we don’t necessarily intend to, we often interrupt each other or do something else while talking. Pause, and fully listen. Be present, and pay attention to what the other person is saying. Notice reactions and thoughts, but keep the majority of attention on the other person.
This is something we demonstrate and discuss more in dyad practices. These are offered for couples, but the format and technique of mindful listening is relevant to any conversation. We also covered mindful listening a bit in one of our Thursday Morning Meditation groups. I’ve included the recorded meditation and talk below.
Investigate Reactions
As you try to listen mindfully, you’ll notice the mind doing all kinds of things. It comes up with defenses, wants to justify, feels guilt or anger, and has a plethora of different experiences. In order to learn how to stop reacting in arguments and be mindful during difficult conversations, we have to know these reactions. We can’t push them away or deny their existence.
You might just label it with a one-word note like “anger,” “defensiveness,” “curiosity,” or “guilt.” Whatever it is, our job is to bring mindfulness to the experience. By knowing these reactions of the mind and body, we can begin to understand them and leave them be. When we aren’t aware of their presence, they have much more power to control our speech, thoughts, and behavior.
Know When to Take a Break
I went through a fair amount of therapy as a teenager. I lived in a therapeutic boarding school, and received some form of therapy nearly every day. When Elizabeth and I first started dating, I would often ask for a break during arguments. It was something I learned in therapy as a technique for dealing with the anger I experienced. She struggled with it, but ultimately allowed me the space to calm down.
These breaks can truly save relationships. Know when you need to step away and cool down. There’s nothing wrong with you for needing this. Giving ourselves some space can help us not react, remember thoughts are not facts, and reconnect with our deepest intentions. Maybe it’s five minutes, maybe it’s until the next day. The trick here is knowing when one of you is getting riled up and when a break may be beneficial to both of you.
Utilize a Bell or Structure
This may seem strange at first, but creating a structure can help immensely. The external structure here can help control the conversation when we lack internal resources. You might set a bell or timer on your phone to go off every five minutes, a bit like a mindfulness reminder. When the alarm or bell goes off, you can both pause and take a few deep breaths.
You also might make the conversation more structured. This is especially useful in intimate relationships. For example, you could set a timer for three or five minutes. One person gets the opportunity to speak, while the other gets the opportunity to listen mindfully. When the timer goes off, you can both pause for a moment and then switch. This offers each partner the opportunity to talk uninterrupted, and each an opportunity to mindfully listen without thinking about what they want to say.
Reflect Afterward
Finally, reflect afterward! You might do this with the other person or by yourself. It’s always good to do a bit of an autoposy. We can steer clear of overanalyzing or doing the whole “What if…” thing in our heads. I actually find that intentionally reflecting after difficult conversations keeps the mind from going to those places.
To do this, you might pause and ask what went well, what was a struggle, and what you learned. I personally find writing to be useful. I have some mindfulness journal prompts you can use, or some self-compassion journal prompts if you’re feeling compassion is needed. You can also just free write. Write down what happened, how you feel, where there was mindfulness or not, etc. The simple act of writing it down can help us process it differently.
What to Do When We Feel Activated
We can do everything in our power, but we still feel activated or triggered during difficult conversations. So how do we deal with this mindfully? I could offer another big list, but I really have two suggestions.
First, be mindful. Yes, I know that is easier said than done sometimes. But simply recognizing that you’re activated or feeling worked up is immensely important. Know that this experience is present. Don’t try to push it away. Having a difficutl conversation mindfully doesn’t mean being calm the whole time. If emotions arise, we have to recognize their presence.
Second, practice self-compassion. Honor the pain or difficulty. It hurts to feel activated during a conversation in this way. You might offer yourself a phrase or two of self-compassion. Maybe the most compassionate thing you can do is step away and tend to this pain. This activation you feel deserves your loving attention.
Below is a video from my playlist Mindfulness for Beginners. It’s an introductory self-compassion meditation. I recommend trying this practice so you can more easily turn toward self-compassion in these difficult moments.
Common Mistakes and Issues
When it comes to having these conversations, I see a few common mistakes or issues that arise. Everyone won’t do all of these, but they do arise quite a bit.
Trying to Force Calm
Mindfulness does not mean forcing calm. If you experience anger during the conversation, mindfulness calls for us to know the anger wholly. In order to let go of anger, we have to actually see it, feel it, and understand it. This isn’t to say we should allow ourselves to act or speak out of anger, but we should accept whatever arises within us.
Often, when we try to force calm, we actually create tension in the mind and body. Yes, you can mindfully breathe or ground yourself in the body to try to return to the present with clarity. But once we start straining or over-efforting, we often create tension that is actually harmful to the cause. If there’s calm, be calm. If there isn’t, be calm in watching whatever is present.
Avoiding Conflict or Confrontation
As I started this post saying, we simply can’t avoid conflict or confrontation always. We’re going to have to have difficult conversations at some point in our lives. Mindfulness does not mean just avoiding it in order to preserve calm. We have to face these situations. We must be honest, intentional, and brave. We can feel the fear or discomfort of confrontation, and perhaps even let the other person know.
Fixating on Saying it “Right”
Mindful speech does not mean we need to speak perfectly. Yes, we should seek to be kind, wise, timely, and honest in our speech. But if we fixate on saying the “right” thing, we can lose touch with our actual experience. I’ve seen some people in my practice really try to say everything correctly to the point they are creating anxiety about how they talk. Relax. Be true to yourself. Be mindful of your words and your internal experience.
Beating Ourselves Up
Whether it’s during the conversation or after, we sometimes have a tendency to be too harsh on ourselves. Don’t beat yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Mistakes may have been made. Mindfulness doesn’t mean making yourself a martyr. Own what you may have done or how you harmed the other person, and work toward forgiving yourself.
Forgetting Equanimity
Hypothetically, we might be super mindful and say everything correctly. And the other person might respond with anger or blame. We can’t control the experience of someone else. I’ve had people in my life I have apologized to and tried to make amends to, only to be absolutely yelled at. That’s the way it is. It doesn’t make the other person wrong or bad. The other person’s experience is simply outside of our control in this moment.
This is the practice of equanimity. We recognize that we can only control what we can control. It’s not apathy. We still care and are attentive. Equanimity is engaged and present. But at the same time, equanimity calls for us to recognize the limits of our power and to remain stable in our mindfulness and compassion. The harm we caused someone else may linger or impact them. We can care while still recognizing we can’t fix their pain.
When Difficult Conversations May Need More Than Mindfulness
Sometimes difficult conversations can transform with some mindfulness and meditation. Meditations for anger, compassion practices, and mindfulness practices can deeply impact how these conversations go. But sometimes, mindfulness simply isn’t enough.
If you have a conversation with someone who is threatening you, intimidating, abusing, coercing, or causing issues with physical or emotional safety, it may be time to find support. This may be through a trusted friend or family member, finding a safe place to be, or reaching out for couples therapy. I cannot stress enough the importance of safety.
Practicing as a Couple
Finally, it can be helpful if you’re in a relationship to have some sort of shared meditation practice. This can help build mindfulness, connection, and compassion. We have some mindfulness activities for couples you can try here. The first practice, Beginning Anew, is one that Elizabeth and I do every week. It’s a powerful practice that takes five to ten minutes. I’ve seen it absolutely change relationships.
There are also many forms of couples meditations. These are practices you can do together with a partner or trusted friend. It’s a great way to investigate mindfulness and loving-kindness in relationships. These forms of meditation can help us really bring our practice off the cushion and into our relationships in a pragmatic way.
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Matthew Sockolov is a Buddhist meditation teacher who trained at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Completing the Dharma Leader training program in 2017, Matthew was given power to teach in the Insight Meditation tradition by Jack Kornfield, Kittisaro, Thanissara, and others. You can learn more about Matthew here.