Appreciation is an important part of relationships. Gratitude and appreciation have been linked repeatedly to better relationship satisfaction, more intimacy, and better communication. However, showing appreciation can be tricky.

Even if we do feel grateful for our partners, we don’t always know how to show it. One study found that couples actually underestimate the amount of gratitude or appreciation from their partner, causing less relationship satisfaction.

Given my experience and training, I’m going to approach this subject from the perspective of mindfulness. We’ll look at what true appreciation is, why it matters, and a handful of ways you can show more appreciation in your relationship.

What is True Appreciation in a Relationship?

In my experience working with both individuals and couples in relationships, one of the big problems here is not knowing how to truly show appreciation for our partners. We might say “thank you” here and there, but that doesn’t seem to cut it.

True appreciation goes beyond simple compliments. It is rooted in both presence and loving-kindness. We see the other person fully, appreciate them for who they are and not just what they do, and express ourselves through our words and actions.

We don’t show appreciation just in little moments; we show appreciation with continued behavior. We can think of true appreciation not as an action or set of words, but as a way of being. It’s a way of engaging with our partners, a way of meeting the individual and the relationship.

Why Appreciation Matters

Appreciation impacts many aspects of a relationship. Research shows people who feel appreciated are actually more appreciative themselves, more responsive to their partner’s needs, and more committed. In addition, studies have found that expressing gratitude improves both perception of relational value and self-esteem.

When we are appreciative, we foster a sense of emotional safety and connection. Rather than feeling insecure and defensive, we are engaged and present with our partner. Without appreciation, we may fall into only talking logistics with our partner or having a roommate-style relationship.

How to Show Appreciation in a Relationship

So, how do we actually show appreciation in a relationship? Here are a few ideas. Feel free to take what you need and leave the rest. These are practices I’ve found useful in my own relationship, and work with many students to investigate in theirs.

“If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence”

Mindful Attention

Practicing mindful attention is the foundation of showing appreciation in a relationship. In these modern times, we are quite often only half-present with our partners. By the time life quiets down and we have time together, we spend it half-engaged with our phones out, televisions on, music playing, or doing things.

One of the simplest ways we can do this is by single-tasking. When you and your partner have time together, show appreciation by being fully present. Be where you are and use your attention as a form of gratitude and appreciation.

When it comes to mindful attention, a powerful way to be mindful of others is to practice mindful listening. Whether you’re just having an everyday discussion or talking about something difficult, listen just to listen. Don’t wait to speak or plan your response. This is one of the most useful ways we can learn to stop reacting in arguments, and is an act of true appreciation.

It may sound silly or even irrelevant. But I can tell you confidently from my years of experience working with couples that learning to pay attention to your partner fully will be the single most useful thing you can do to increase appreciation over time. As you pay attention more deeply, gratitude and appreciation arise naturally.

Expressing Gratitude Freely

When we talk about the idea of Wise Speech we often focus on the “do not’s,” like not lying or speaking harshly. But we can also give some attention what we can do to support ourselves and others. One such thing is expressing gratitude often and freely. We may hesitate to express our gratitude because it feels vulnerable, doesn’t feel worthwhile, or just don’t see it as important and let it go.

Try expressing gratitude when it arises. Avoid the generic “thank you.” Instead, be specific. You might appreciate how patient your partner was, that they prepared dinner, or that they made you laugh today. As we express our gratitude, it becomes more important in our minds. We begin to recognize the natural appreciation more and more easily.

If you don’t find yourself noticing moments of gratitude naturally, you might pause to investigate. Using a practice like mindfulness reminders, you can pause during your day to see where there is appreciation available. When you find it, express it.

Gratitude Journaling

I’m a big fan of mindful journaling in general, and it’s a great activity for couples to do together. It only takes five minutes of journaling and then a bit of space to discuss. I cover this practice more in my post 5 Mindful Activities for Couples to Do Together.

Simply pick a few simple gratitude-oriented prompts to work with. Set a timer for five minutes, and reflect on your own. When the timer goes off, take turns sharing what you wrote during your journaling period. Here are a few journal prompts related to appreciation to get your started:

What is something I appreciate that my partner did today?
What is something I often overlook or take for granted that I appreciate about my partner?
What does my partner give to this relationship?
When did I feel supported this week?
When did I feel connected to my partner this week?
In what ways have I experienced my partner’s love recently?

Appreciative Action

By incorporating regular appreciative action into our lives, we can both cultivate a sense of appreciation personally and make sure our partners feel appreciated. This is specifically not just thanking the other person, but behaving in a way that shows appreciation.

Some good examples are helping without being asked, giving small offerings of physical affection, creating space for rest, or taking something off their plate. Here’s a personal example. I do the grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooking in our house.

On the days I am going to the store, my partner cleans out some stuff from the fridge and makes space for the groceries. I never ask her to, but it is something she took on as a form of appreciating the effort I put forth. As a result, I both feel appreciated by her and have a feeling of appreciation for her effort in supporting the family.

Mindfulness & Meditation Practices for Couples

In addition to those general practices for being more appreciative in your relationship, I want to offer some mindfulness-based practices I’ve found useful.

Beginning Anew

I have a hard time talking about anything regarding couples or relationships without mentioning this practice. It originally comes from Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hanh’s monastic community and lineage.

The practice is fairly straightforward. There are three prompts, and each individual gets as much time as needed to share their thoughts. While one partner is talking, the other partner simply listens. Do not respond or start a conversation.

The prompts are:

What is something you appreciated this week?
What regrets do you have this week?
Where did you feel hurt this week?

The idea with Beginning Anew is to not hold on to the week in a way that fosters resentment. We share what we appreciate about our partner, any behavior we regret, and how we felt hurt. None of this is to “fix” anything, but to connect and start with a clean slate. The video below explains the practice in more detail.

Gratitude for Couples

You can also directly meditate with gratitude for each other. This is a practice I almost always offer in mindful couples counseling. Sitting facing one another, you can meditate with gratitude. Connect with your own experience of appreciation, and feed these feelings so that they grow.

Below is a guided gratitude meditation for couples you can try. It takes about eight minutes, and is a great way to connect with your appreciation and your partner!

Loving-Kindness for Couples

Although loving-kindness isn’t exactly appreciation, I think it is inherently related. True loving-kindness carries with it some sense of appreciation, and appreciation will bring some loving-kindness. Loving-kindness is one of many forms of practice that works well for couples. You can find more on my page Couples Meditations: Building a Conscious, Connected Relationship.

Below is a guided loving-kindness meditation for couples. It starts with a few minutes of closed-eye meditation practice, and the works in some out-loud phrases. This can feel quite vulnerable and even uncomfortable, but is a powerful way to connect with loving-kindness.

For a more engaged practice, you can stick with out-loud loving-kindness. We offer this practice in a video demonstration below.

Dyads

Finally, dyads are one of the most useful ways to connect as partners mindfully in my experience. I have truly seen relationships transform just by incorporating one period of dyads a week. It is uncomfortable, but the payoff is a deep and true connection.

With dyad practices, you sit facing one another and answer some question or prompt. These may be simple mindfulness-based questions like “What is present for you in the body right now?” These types of questions help us both be mindful of ourselves, and be mindful of our partner’s experience as we’re listening.

We can also adapt dyads to be more appreciation-based by using questions like, “What is something you appreciate about our relationship?” I have a full list of sample questions and more instructions on dyads here, and you can watch the video below to see how it works!

If you have any questions about any of the practices I’ve laid out, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You can reach me at Matthew@TheMindfulCounselor.me, or via WhatsApp at +1 415 858-5586.

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How You Can Show More Mindful Appreciation in Your Relationship

What is True Appreciation in a Relationship?

Why Appreciation Matters