How to Speak More Kindly to Yourself

With my students and in our online meditation groups, there’s this question that comes up fairly regularly: How do we begin to speak more kindly to ourselves? When we begin to pay attention to self-talk, it may be surprising just how brutal we can be toward ourselves.

Learning to speak with more kindness toward ourselves takes time. Much like anything else on this path, it’s a practice. Little by little, we catch ourselves when being harsh and cultivate a bit more kindness.

We’ll cover a few reasons we’re so hard on ourselves, the benefits of kinder self-talk, and some mindfulness-based practices and meditations you can use to take steps toward a kinder internal experience.

Why We’re So Hard On Ourselves

You might have a habit of beating yourself up when you notice how harsh you are being with yourself. In my mindfulness coaching sessions, I’ve found that it can be useful to recognize the causes of our difficulties. By recognizing the causes, we can beging to see that the struggle we’re facing isn’t just a personal failing. It’s often the result of many conditions from basic human biology to societal norms. We don’t need to take it so personally.

Negativity Bias

The negativity bias is fairly simple. We are hardwired to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. We pay more attention to the unpleasant things, make decisions based more heavily on negative data than positive data, and learn more from negative experiences.

When it comes to self-talk, the moments of negative self-talk stand out because of this. It isn’t something you did wrong; it is a part of being human. We are wired to have the negative self-talk hit us harder than the positive self-talk. It’s natural.

Outside Influence

Cultural expectations, social media comparisons, parental pressure, etc. all play a role in how we talk to ourselves. In many societies, these forces promote unrealistic standards of success, beauty, behavior, and more. We begin learning these standards from an early age, without even realizing we are doing so.

Over time, we internalize these expectations and push ourselves. When we don’t measure up to the ideal that society has put in our heads, we can respond with the harsh self-talk. Our focus doesn’t need to be on society or any individual like a parent; we can use this information to focus on ourselves, understanding it isn’t necessarily our fault or a problem with us.

Motivation

For many of us, there’s a belief somewhere in there that the harsh self-talk keeps us in line. It motivates us and keeps us going. However, research like this systematic review of 47 studies found taht negative self-talk doesn’t actually improve performance. Interestingly, it did not impede perfomance. But positive self talk did actually improve it.

This gut feeling that the negative self talk supports us or pushes us is just false as far as we know. It’s just that, a belief. And it’s not one that actually serves us.

The Benefits of Speaking Kindly to Yourself

As mentioned, positive self-talk can actually improve performance. As we learn to be kinder to ourselves, we also find other benefits. It is a bit of a cause-and-effect situation where one thing makes way for the next.

First, when we learn to speak kindly toward ourselves, we naturally being responding with more self-kindness. I’ve written before about the benefits of loving-kindness, so I won’t cover them all here. But responding with kindness to ourselves gets rid of the often-adversarial relationship we have with our own minds.

This newfound kindness brings gentleness and patience. We don’t get so frustrated with ourselves. We stop adding on to the suffering or difficulty with more unhelpful thoughts, and instead have some self-compassion.

This also leads to more clarity. As we become less reactive, we grow able to see experience more clearly. The self-kindness gives us a bit more patience to investigate experiences like the thinking mind. Truly, changing our self-talk can have far-reaching impacts in and out of our meditation practice.

How to Change Your Self-Talk

So, what do we actually do to begin changing the way we talk to ourselves. I have a few techniques and practices here. But first I want to remind you these are practices and trainings. They take time. If they don’t work the first or second day, don’t lose steam. It takes time to re-train the brain after years of habit-building.

Recognize the Inner Critic

The first step in almost anything when it comes to mindfulness is to recognize what is happening. Notice when the inner critic starts firing off. Name it. You might simply note in your head, “inner critic.” Without noticing when it’s happening, we can’t really address the issue.

When you do notice the inner critic coming up, tune into the experience. What is it saying? How does it feel? Do the thoughts repeat or loop? Get to know the experience. This isn’t an invitation to wallow in it or feed it, but simply to know how it feels. This builds understanding and lessens reactivity with repeated exposure.

Recognize Success

On the other hand, we can recognize moments of success. When you do speak kindly to yourself, pause and rejoice. Feel how it feels. Be grateful. Smile. Water the seed of kind self-talk, whenever it arises. Even if it’s after a moment of unkind self-talk, rejoice.

Ask Yourself Questions

Often, we get completely sucked in to these thoughts or by these moments. We respond with judgement or resistance rather than curiosity. Instead, see what curiosity brings to the table. Ask yourself if the thought is true. Ask if it is kind, useful, appropriate, or a seed you want to water.

Create Space

A key to working with any kind of thought is to make space. This is crucial when it comes to observing thoughts without judgement. Don’t push away the unkind thought or deny its existence. Make space for it, allow it to be there, and observe it. When we grow to respond with more interest and acceptance, we become less reactive and more insightful.

Be Real

Often these moments of negative self-talk come up in response to some hurt. Be real with yourself. What’s really going on? Do you feel hurt, scared, or like you let someone down? Tune in not to the self-talk, but what’s actually underneath. What is the hurt or difficulty that you’re meeting with harshness?

Meditate

And now, I want to offer a few meditation practices that I’ve found useful in transforming the way we speak to ourselves. Remember that meditation takes time to work. I encourage you to give these practices a shot by trying them for multiple weeks. See how the self-talk gradually becomes clearer and gentler.

Loving-Kindness

First up is loving-kindness meditation. In loving-kindness practice, we actively cultivate a mind and heart inclined toward goodwill. Although we may not feel it fully when doing this practice, we work toward a kinder, gentler affect. With consistent practice, loving-kindness can radically help us transform the way we speak to ourselves.

Self-Compassion

The practice of compassion is what happens when loving-kindness comes into contact with pain or suffering. With compassion practice, we learn to turn toward the suffering with a tender and open heart. This can help immensely in times of difficulty. Rather than responding with negative self-talk, we are more inclined toward kindness and caring. Self-compassion is also a great way to stop beating ourselves up.

Appreciative Joy

Appreciative joy is what happens when loving-kindness comes into contact with happiness. By practicing tuning into joy, we begin to rejoice more deeply and truly in moments of happiness. We water the seeds of kindness and joy. This practice helps us both find joy, and rejoice more fully when we do find kind self-talk arising.

Mindfulness of Thoughts

Contrary to what many new meditators believe, you do not have to clear your mind to meditate. In fact, we can make the thinking mind a part of our meditation! Mindfulness of thoughts allows us to actually tune into the thinking mind, get to know it, and decrease reactivity. This is a powerful practice when it comes to working with self-talk, as we train in watching the thoughts with objectivity and understanding.

Self-Appreciation Inventory

Finally, a self-appreciation inventory is a useful tool to change the way we speak to ourselves. I’m a big fan of mindfulness journals, and this is a great opportunity to use the practice to support your goals. I recommend a journal answering three simple questions at the end of your day:

1. What is one thing you did well today?

2. Where did you make effort to be kind today?

3. What is one thing you appreciate about yourself?

Finding Additional Support

Meditation and mindfulness have absolutely transformed my own life over the past couple of decades. I recommend starting a daily meditation practice, even if it is just for a few minutes a day. My Month of Mindfulness is a great free program to get started. It offers 30 days of 3-5 minute meditations to help you build the habit.

If you feel that you need further support, please reach out to me here. We also have a weekly online meditation group that offers support and guidance in your practice. If you think therapy may be a better fit, I recommend reaching out to One Mind Therapy.