How to Practice Forgiveness in Relationships
Any relationship requires some forgiveness in order to stand the test of time. Although we care deeply for our partners, we inevitably cause harm. And we will certainly find ourselves carrying around resentment at times. Without forgiveness, these little harms can grow into big resentments, and the bigger harms can turn us against each other.
We’ll cover what forgiveness is and why it matters, how to forgive in a relationship, and offer some forgiveness practices for couples.
What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the letting go of resentment toward our partners. This may be resentment because of a behavior, a harm they caused, or it may be completely unfounded resentment. Forgiveness helps us free up space in the heart, replacing the negative feelings with neutrality or even compassion. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened; it’s simply not holding onto the resentment we carry with us.
I think one of the key points to understand about forgiveness is that it is a process. Rarely is it a single white-light moment of forgiveness. Instead, it takes time and patience. And we don’t forgive all at once. Little by little, we release the resentment. Eventually, we find more emotional freedom and space for new emotions to arise.
Why Forgiveness is Important in Relationships
Forgiveness is absolutely crucial for resolving conflicts in relationships. Without forgiveness, harms and resentments can fester and cause more suffering. When we work on forgiving our partners we enable space for more open communication, reduce defensiveness, and support emotional intimacy. Forgiveness helps us have difficult conversations more mindfully, move forward after harm has been caused, and treat each moment as new.
Often, relationships become defined by a past event or harm caused. Sometimes, the best answer to a deep harm is creating distance or ending the relationship. Even so, forgiveness is beneficial. We’re able to let go of the resentment bit-by-bit and find emotional intimacy once again.
Practicing Forgiveness in Relationships
Forgiveness is a practice, not something we just snap our fingers and do. This is important to remember as you work with this quality of the heart. Although the heart can close in an instant, it often takes time to open it back up.
Know and Acknowledge the Pain
Don’t rush past this. You have to know the pain and what happened in order to work with. Whether you feel hurt, sad, betrayed, or any combination of emotions, it’s important to recognize what’s present for you. If we skip over the hurt, forgiveness becomes much more difficult. Acknowledge to yourself that these feelings are present. You also might acknowledge the pain when talking to your partner, trusted friends, or anyone you feel safe with.
As a simple practice here, you might take out some paper or a journal and complete this sentence: What hurt me was…..
Feel the Emotional Experience
In addition to simply recognizing what happened and how we’re experiencing pain, we have to truly tune into it at some point. Forgiveness does not mean we need to feel peaceful, happy, or even compassionate all the time. Try to really tune into the resentment, hurt, anger, or whatever else is present. Feel what it feels like.
I think anger or resentment is a really useful emotion to look at here. If we are to let go of anger, do we do so by suppressing it or denying it’s there? No. We do so by feeling the anger, processing it, caring for it, and understanding it. Our habitual tendency to push difficult emotions away often doesn’t serve us when it comes to healing.
Watch the Thoughts
Along with the emotions, recognize the thoughts that are present. Often, when resentment arises the mind follows the ensuing thoughts. We can learn to observe thoughts without judgement, and watch the thinking mind without getting sucked in so deeply. This is a practice that takes time. Below is a two minute meditation on looking at the thinking mind. Little by little we can train the mind to watch thoughts without believing them.
Remember, thoughts are not facts. Practice just observing the thoughts as they arise. Are there certain thoughts that repeat themselves or patterns of thinking you can identify? We can’t change the past, but we can learn to deal with the present-time experience in a way that lessens the suffering. Watch the thoughts, but don’t buy in.
Consider Any Needs
When it comes to forgiveness, it’s important to give plenty of attention to our needs. Forgiveness absolutely does not need to ignore legitimate needs that are there. You might take some time with a journaling practice, in meditation, or just while out walking to consider what you need.
Maybe you want an apology or some accountability. Perhaps you feel the need for an explanation, a simple acknowledgement of the harm, or for them to simply listen to you. Maybe a change in behavior is needed or some space. Remember that forgiveness doesnt mean we need to allow ourselves to be harmed in any way again. You can set a boundary and still cultivate forgiveness.
Practice Self-Compassion
If there is a need for forgiveness, there is pain. If there is pain, there is a need for compassion! Compassion is the wise response to pain and difficulty. It means meeting experience with a tender awareness. We tune into the difficulty with care, the same way we would do if a dear friend or child were hurting.
Like forgiveness, self-compassion isn’t something we do and are just done with. We need continual cultivation and practice. You can do this in many ways. You might try some self-compassion journaling, or a self-compassion meditation. Below is a short self-compassion meditation you can try to start your investigation.
Meditation for Forgiveness
Forgiveness is a type of meditation in which we intentionally cultivate a forgiving heart. We set the intention repeatedly to forgive. Whether or not forgiveness comes is irrelevant. We orient ourselves toward this intention, feelign the experience, recognizing roadblocks, and continuing to cultivate forgiveness.
Below is a guided forgiveness meditation from my podcast you can try. Remember that you don’t need to feel 100% forgiveness in order for this practice to be working!
Practice Mindful Communication
When the time comes to discuss the experience, it’s important to do so intentionally and mindfully. We want to go into the conversation with some calmness, choosing a time for the conversation that works for both partners. There are many principles of mindful communication and wise speech. Here are a few to consider:
Speak with Kindness
One of the principles of wise speech is to speak with kindness. When we’re experiencing anger or feeling defensive, this may seem hard. It’s important to understand kindness doesn’t mean saying something flattering, uplifting, or “nice.” It means speaking in a way that is rooted in understanding, compassion, and deeper intentions.
We might express our hurt, but how do we do so with kindness? We consider our deeper intentions with this conversation. We’re here to work toward forgiveness, to mend hurt, and to address pains. Speak in a way that works toward these goals, and doesn’t put the other person down needlessly.
Speak the Truth
A core principle of wise speech and mindful communication is to speak the truth. Not half-truths, not when it’s convenient and serves you, and certainly not straight lies. When sharing about your hurt and needs with your partner, be honest. Don’t hide pieces of your experience. If we are to move forward with forgiveness, being vulnerable will be necessary.
Pause Before Speaking
This is one of my favorite tips for any difficult conversation in relationships. When someone is done talking, pause for a few deep breaths. You might even count to ten or set a timer. This can have an immense impact in how these conversations go. We learn to respond rather than react, and give ourselves space to think about a mindful response.
Listen Mindfully
Finally, practice mindful listening. When your partner is speaking, let them speak. Don’t interrupt. Pay attention both to what they’re saying and the reaction you’re experiencing in the mind and body. Often, the listening period is where we get riled up, where discussions turn into arguments, and where things can get out of control.
Below is a recording of a meditation and talk form our Thursday Morning Meditation in which we discuss mindful listening more.
Forgiveness Exercises for Couples
Finally, I want to offer just a few forgiveness exercises for couples. These are mindfulness-based practices that I’ve found useful in my own relationship, as well as the lives of my students.
Forgiveness Meditation for Couples
Although we think of meditation as an individual practice, we can actually practice with our partners. There are many forms of couples meditations. Forgiveness is certainly a quality we can intentionally cultivate together in meditation. Below is a guided forgiveness meditation for couples. It’s just about seven minutes, and offers a structured way to investigate forgiveness together.
Forgiveness Dyads
Dyads are a structured practice in which we communicate mindfully and intentionally. It’s one of my go-to mindfulness activities for couples, and can be adapted to address anything from forgiveness or compassion to mindfulness and fear. You can try some forgiveness dyads as a way to create a safe container for a conversation. I have a video below illustrating dyads with my partner, Elizabeth Sockolov, LMFT of One Mind Therapy.
Perspective-Taking
Perspective-taking is a powerful practice that can help us be more mindful of others and stop reacting in arguments. You can do this within the structure of a dyad if it’s useful. The practice is simple. One partner goes first, and describes the situation from the other’s perspective. The listening partner does not interrupt or correct. This is a practice in both putting yourself in the other’s shoes and learning about how your partner experiences what happened.
Forgiveness Takes Time
In my own forgiveness practice, I’ve found that some things may not ever fully go away. Even things and people I’ve worked with repeatedly and love deeply still may contain some bit of hurt to feel into. Forgiveness is not an all-or-nothing practice. We don’t need to be 100% free of any hurt or pain in our hearts. Even a small reduction is worth working toward.
This is something I have found the need to stress repeatedly to students in my mindfulness coaching practice. We want to be free from the hurt and resentment, and feel like we are failing with forgiveness as long as it’s there. I understand the wanting to be rid of the resentment or anger, but we have to accept that forgiveness takes time.
Cultivating the Wholesome Together
I want to close this out by recommending you find some practice to cultivate together. This may be something like gratitude practices for couples, a shared meditation practice, or couples therapy. You both may have your own paths, and that’s beautiful. And it can also be helpful to both grow together.
If you’re interested in starting a meditation practice (which I of course recommend), check out my post here. You also might consider my Month of Mindfulness. It’s a free program with a month of short meditations (3-6 minutes) to help you learn about meditation and build a daily practice. I’ve found meditation to be key in my own relationship, and hope it’s as useful for you!
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Matthew Sockolov is a Buddhist meditation teacher who trained at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Completing the Dharma Leader training program in 2017, Matthew was given power to teach in the Insight Meditation tradition by Jack Kornfield, Kittisaro, Thanissara, and others. You can learn more about Matthew here.