Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional - The Two Arrows
You may have heard the quote, “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional” before. It’s sometimes misattributed to the Buddha, and often attributed to Haruki Murakami’s book What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. It actually appeared in books nearly 20 years before Murakami’s book, and has been a saying in twelve-step communities for 50+ years.
Wherever the saying originates, it is applicable to all of us. We experience a pain, and then we compound our discomfort by adding suffering on top. This is a core Buddhist teaching, and one that points toward our potential to lessen unnecessary suffering in everyday life.
Understanding Pain and Suffering
Within the context of this quote, pain and suffering are two completely different experiences. Pain can be understood as the natural and unavoidable part of life. We are all subject to experiences of pain. We experience sickness, physical pain, loss, breakups, etc. It’s a natural experience of pain or discomfort.
Suffering, on the other hand, is part of the response to pain. Suffering is the mental or emotional reaction we layer on top. You can think of pain as what happens to us, and suffering as how we respond to what happens to us. In this context, we see pain as simply part of life, and suffering as the way we related to life.
The Buddhist Teaching of the Two Arrows
This idea comes from a Buddhist teaching in a discourse known as the Sallatha Sutta. In the teaching, a student shares that being struck by one arrow causes pain, but being struck by a second arrow causes even more pain. The Buddha explains that the first arrow represents the inevitable pain or hardship in life. The second arrow may be sorrow, grieiving, lamentation, or stress. That is, the second arrow is our reaction or response to the first arrow.
The teaching here is the root of the idea that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional. We can’t avoid every first arrow in life. We’re going to get hit by them here and there. However, we can train ourselves to not respond by inserting a second arrow. This is specifically done through non-resistance, and can help us avoid the more-painful second arrow.
I’ll use an example from my life to illustrate. Back in 2021, I hurt my ankle skateboarding. And when I say hurt, it really hurt. I completely tore a ligament and nearly completely tore a tendon. It required two surgeries to fix. As painful as it physically was, the physical pain was negligble compared to the emotional and mental pain I threw on top.
Now, I don’t want to beat myself up. I’m an active person who surfs or skates several days a week. I rely on my activity to support my wellbeing both physically and mentally. But after the initial pain really subsided, I found myself worrying about how long I would be inactive for. After the initial imaging and doctor visits, I was told it would be 6+ months until I could skateboard again. The mental suffering was immense.
This was a great example of the suffering far surpassing the actual pain. I worried constantly about not being able to do the activities I wanted. I worried about being unable to walk for quite some time. I stressed about not being able to go the beach. The resistance to reality caused me signficantly more discomfort than the actual pain itself.
The Benefits of Letting Go of the Second Arrow
When we let go of the second arrow, we find some freedom. After months of feeling stress and resistance, I came to accept the situation. I did what I could as far as movement and activity, we figured out as a family what we could do that worked for me, and found some peace with the situation.
Letting go of the second arrow gives us some relief from anxiety, rumination, and stress. We build resilience, and can find some peace even in the difficult moments. When these things happen, we experience the pain but not quite as much suffering. We learn to respond rather than react, and have some agency in how we approach the situation.
I told this story in an episode of my podcast called The Power We Have. We went on vacation with my partner’s family, and some aspects were less than ideal. Her parents planned the vacation, and perhaps forgot to keep the young children in mind in their plans. While the first day brought a lot of suffering, we came to accept the situation and focus on solutions. We removed the second arrow, and freed ourselves to enjoy the lovely vacation with family. We made the most out of what was initially a difficult situation, and truly ended up making it work.
When we let go of this second arrow, we free ourselves to have a whole new experience. I will talk about misconceptions in a bit, but this doesn’t mean we just allow pain to be there without taking action. We recognize the reality of the painful moment or experience, and choose a response that is rooted in care and loving-kindness rather than suffering and stress.
Dropping the Second Arrow
This all sounds great, right? But in practice it may not be as easy as it is simple. The idea is clear to understand. We respond to pain with less resistance and free ourselves from unnecessary suffering. To do so, it takes time and consistent training. But with practice, we can slowly grow to recognize the second arrow and not take it on.
In Meditation
Obviously I am going to recommend working with this via meditation practice. I think there are three ways we can investigate this in meditation. They can be utilized together, and may take some work to figure out the balance.
Feeling Tone
The first is through working with vedana, or feeling tone. The feeling tone of an experience is whether the experience is pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. It is not an emotion or feeling, but the raw sensation experienced. It’s part of the continuum of experience. We have a sensation (such as a pain in the lower back). There is feeling tone (probably unpleasant). Unpleasant feeling tones generally give rise to aversion, or wanting to be rid of the experience. This may manifest as a variety of thoughts or mental states such as anxiety, stress, overthinking, or a proliferation of negative thoughts.
The feeling tone of the experience is traditionally taught as the place with the most potential to break the chain of suffering. By tuning in deeply to the feeling tone, we begin to recognize the flow of experience. We see that when something unpleasant happens, we fall into aversion. When something pleasant arises, we may tend toward clinging and attachment.
Over time, we recognize the experience and the feeling tone clearly. We respond with some equanimity, recognizing unpleasantness as just unpleasantness. And, knowing these feeling tones give rise to certain thought patterns, we can be alert and ready for the suffering as it arises. To learn more about feeling tones, you can listen to my talk below from my playlist Mindfulness for Beginners.
Working with Thoughts
In addition to working with the feeling tone of an experience, we also can watch the mind. Learning to detach from negative thoughts can be hard, but it starts with recognizing the thoughts, mental states, and patterns of thinking. As we learn to observe thoughts without judgement, we get to know the way the mind works more clearly and give ourselves the opportunity to choose how we respond in moments of pain.
Let’s go back to the example of a pain in the lower back. You notice the sensation, the feeling tone, and then the thoughts that arise. Maybe you want to adjust your posture, find yourself telling a story about how this pain always comes on during meditation, or even blame yourself for the pain. In order to work with this second arrow of suffering, recognizing these thoughts is crucial.
The task here isn’t to change the thoughts necessarily. We simply recognize the thoughts as they arise. The key here is to not buy into them. Play the part of observer rather than participator. This can take practice and consistent effort, but we can cultivate an ability to see the thoughts with more clarity and detachment. The pain may arise, and the unpleasant thoughts may follow, but we don’t get hooked into the suffering in the same way.
Self-Compassion
Finally, you can incorporate self-compassion into your routine. You might turn toward self-compassion in moments of suffering. When you notice the thoughts creating more suffering, replace them with thoughts of self-compassion. Offer yourself or your mind a few phrases of caring and presence.
Self-compassion works by helping us change our relationship to suffering. Often, moments of difficulty bring a lot of reactivity. With self-compassion, we actively train ourselves to meet suffering with presence and tenderness. It is the opposite of averting from the difficulty; we are tuning in directly to the suffering with a caring heart.
I also recommend incorporating dedicated self-compassion practice into your routine. You can do this through compassion meditation (below). In self-compassion practice, we offer ourselves phrases of compassion so that we can slowly open our hearts to the suffering. This has the potential to dramatically amend how we treat these moments of discomfort.
Daily Practices
We can also learn to practice mindfulness in everyday life and work with this cycle of pain and suffering. Most of us don’t spend all day meditating, so it’s useful to investigate ways we can work with the two arrows throughout our days.
Recognizing Suffering
The most direct way we can work to unlink pain and suffering is by recognizing when there is suffering present. This takes some mindfulness to truly see. You don’t need to be perfect at all. If you can little by little recognize the suffering more, you are on the right path. It’s not a sudden change, but a gradual one.
In the moment you recognize the suffering, you might respond a few different ways. You can offer some self-compassion, tune into the feeling tone, or simply observe the thoughts without attachment. If you find yourself unable to disengage from the thoughts, you can turn toward the body and try some mindful grounding exercises.
Moments of Self-Compassion
To help train the mind to be with pain rather than reject it, you can always turn toward self-compassion throughout your day. You can of course do this during a moment of suffering, but making self-compassion a regular part of your day can help prime your mind toward a more present and caring response. I find in my own life that regular compassion practice really helps me when the suffering does arise.
You can do this randomly throughout the day, or use a mindfulness reminder. You might simply offer yourself a few phrases of kindness. I really like the phrase, “May the suffering be welcome here.” I also frequently use the phrase, “I love you, keep going.” I actually have that phrase tattooed across the tops of my feet so I see it constantly when doing walking meditation!
Nighttime Reflection
Finally, you can take just a few minutes at night to reflect. You might do this in silence, or with a mindfulness journal. Investigate any pain and suffering you had today. Where was there a first arrow, and where was there a second arrow? It’s important to do this in a way that is kind and gentle, being mindful to not fall into self-judgement or beating yourself up. This practice is not to shame you, but to help you see clearly where and how suffering arises.
Common Misunderstandings
There are many myths about meditation and mindfulness in general. When it comes to dealing with pain and suffering, I think there are a few misconceptions that should be addressed.
Thoughts Are Okay
This is generally misunderstood. It is totally normal to think during meditation. If you’re working with pain and suffering, remember that the intention is not to stop thoughts; it is to allow them to be present without buying into them. You absolutely do not have to clear your mind to meditate, and trying to do so will generally result in more frustration than success.
We Don’t Ignore Pain
Sometimes people may understand this process as an instruction to just ignore the pain. This is also an inaccurate understanding. Maybe we think meditation should feel calm and happy, or aren’t sure what meditation should feel like. In truth, pain is part of life and of meditation. We acknowledge the pain and even tune into it. If we resist it, it just makes the experience more intense.
Let Emotions Be Present
In addition to the pain, the emotions are not to be resisted. If you find some anxiety or sorrow arising and recognize it as suffering, allow them to be present. Open to these experiences with self-compassion. We don’t free ourselves from the suffering of these emotions by denying them. We do it by changing our relationship to these experiences.
Positivity is Not the Goal
Finally, the goal is not to just think positive thoughts or be positive. I really dislike that paradigm because unpleasant experiences and thoughts are a realistic part of life for all of us. If you feel beat down, tired of the suffering, or overwhelmed, recognize it! The goal is to change our relationship to pain and suffering, not eliminate all discomfort.
Working Mindfully with Pain and Suffering
Mindfulness can help us transform many experiences in our lives, including these experiences of pain and suffering. I recommend reading my post Mindfulness for Beginners: A Guide to Getting Started with Meditation if you’re interested in building a mindfulness practice. It offers a great place to start with answers to common questions, practices and techniques, and how to build a regular practice.
For those looking for some support in building a mindfulness practice and working with the relationship between pain and suffering, I encourage you to reach out for a free consultation. To learn more about what I do, you can visit my page Mindfulness Coaching: How it Works, What to Expect, and How it Can Support You.
More Posts
