How to Stop Beating Yourself Up - 3 Practices in Self-Compassion
Do you have that harsh inner critic, replay mistakes in your head, or judge yourself constantly for something you said? You’re not alone. We all have moments of being hard on ourselves. Part of us may think it helps motivate us, but the truth is harsh self-criticism often backfires. It can cause anxiety, shame, and avoidance.
In these moments, self-compassion can help us meet the mistake with a kinder presence. When we strip away the harshness, we can look at the situation with more clarity through kinder eyes. I’ll offer three of my favorite practices you can use throughout your day to help change this relationship with the inner critic, as well as some thoughts on self-compassion meditation.
Why We Beat Ourselves Up
In my experience, there are several factors that play a role in our habit of beating ourselves up. The first is our evolutionary roots. Humans have what is known as the threat system, a neurocognitive network specifically designed to protect us from dangers. Although it has served historically to protect us, it can get activated by internal inputs like rumination and imagination. We sense danger where there isn’t any, and the nervous system can feel threatened without an actual physical danger.
We then couple this with learned patterns from school, the culture we live in, and our families. We believe the inner critic to be a way to keep ourselves in line, or keep moving toward progress. I have felt this myself in my own life. When I ask students how the self-criticism serves them, they almost invariable answer with some form of the response, “It helps me keep my behavior/thoughts/emotions in check.”
Both nature and nurture play a role here together. We’re primed to take threats (perhaps too) seriously, and we learn from an early age that beating ourselves up can be a form of self-control and discipline. Although I do believe we can reflect and keep ourselves in check, it is much more useful to do so from a place of compassion rather than harshness or judgement.
What Self-Compassion Actually Is (and Isn’t)
Compassion is one of the four heart practices in Buddhism, and an increasingly popular concept in secular practices. Compassion is simply meeting suffering and difficulty with presence, wisdom, and tenderness. Think of how a parent might respond to their child when they are injured. They tend to the child with their full attention, mindful and present with a loving and open heart.
In Buddhist teachings, compassion (karuna) is what happens when we meet suffering with loving-kindness. It is the kind, friendly, and gentle response to suffering or dis-ease. Compassion is taught as an antidote to aversion, and thus implies a level of presence with the pain. When you’re beating yourself up, the compassionate response is to turn toward it, be with the experience, and meet it with kindness.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristen Neff is at the forefront of compassion research, and she identifies three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Self-kindness means we are understanding and warm when we make a mistake or suffer. We encourage, support, and try to help.
Recognizing common humanity is the opposite of isolation. Often when we are struggling or beating ourselves up, we fall into some sort of emotional isolation. Instead, we’re called to recognize that we are not alone in this. All humans suffer, make mistakes, and even beat themselves up. This helps us connect with others rather than feel alone.
And finally, we meet it with mindfulness. This means we look at the pain with presence and curiosity. Rather than pushing it away or denying it, we accept that it is present and tune into it. We also don’t over-identify with the thoughts or experience. We observe it with some equanimity and non-judgement.
Self-Pity and Permissibility
There is sometimes a feeling that self-compassion means weakness, letting yourself off the hook, or residing in self-pity. None of these are the case. Self-compassion is an attitude of responding with care and kindness. It does not mean we take no action. It is not permissibility or just letting things go. We can respond with self-compassion, then take action to improve of avoid making that mistake in the future.
In Buddhist teachings, the heart practices have what is known as a “near enemy.” This is a quality that seems like the desired quality but isn’t quite it. For compassion, the near enemy is pity. Self-pity differs from self-compassion in that it separates rather than brings together. With pity, we keep a safe distance and perhaps even “look down” on the suffering. Compassion is more present, and rooted in wisdom rather than fear or ego.
Self-Compassion Practices
I’ll offer a few practices in self-compassion that I’ve found useful when I am beating myself up. These are practices you can use at any point during your day when you notice you’re beating yourself up. You can also use them at the end of the day with a compassion journal as a period of reflection.
Naming the Critic
This is a mindfulness-based practice in self-compassion that can help us recognize more clearly what is happening, detach from negative thoughts, and meet the experience with tenderness. The real goal here is to simply create some space between you and the self-critical voice. I encourage you to be somewhat playful and light-hearted with this practice, and don’t take yourself too seriously!
Start by noticing when you are beating yourself up. You might use a label or make a mental note, such as “Look, the self-critic is here.”
Identify the mental state or the tone of the thought. Is it harsh, shaming, perfectionistic, or anxious? There’s no right or wrong answer; be true to yourself and your experience.
Give the critic a name or character (example below). Recognize it as something that is happening, but don’t identify with the thoughts or criticism so strongly.
I have many examples of this I can share, but I’ll offer what I found the first time this practice was introduced to me. I was having a bit of anxiety and fear in my meditation practice, a feeling of slight panic about doing it right and getting the most out of it. I identified it as an old cartoon, Courage the Cowardly Dog. He was always afraid of everything, but somehow saved the day constantly. When I find this fearful, anxious mental state arising I still say hi to Courage today, over ten years later.
Reframing Thoughts
When you do recognize the self-criticism arising, it can be hard to step out of it. The idea of replacing a thought like “I’m such a loser” with “I’m such a winner” is great, but that’s often a hard gap to bridge. We can work to gradually reframe thoughts, responding with just a little bit more compassion in a moment.
When you notice you’re beating yourself up, identify the thought. For example, let’s say you find yourself stressed about something, and the thought arises, “I should be able to handle this. I’m failing.” Simply recognize the thought that is present, and see it clearly.
Instead of trying to replace it with something like “I can handle this. I’m a champion,” take a step toward more compassion with something gentler. Try something like “This is hard for me, but I’m going to try to do my best.”
This is a way to move away from beating yourself up and more toward self-compassion. You don’t need to be perfect. Try to find a thought or phrase that you can relate to and feels authentic. Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can offer is simple and crude, like “this sucks.” That’s okay. Work with where you are.
A Friend’s Response
Sometimes self-compassion is just not very accessible in moments of beating ourselves up. By invoking the image of a friend, partner, or loved one, we might be able to find a little bit of tenderness. There are two ways to do this practice, so the second step has two parts. Feel free to explore what works for you!
1. Again notice when you are beating yourself up or the harsh self-critic has joined the party. You might notice the individual thoughts, or the overall feeling of how the thoughts are landing with you.
2a. Bring to mind a close friend or loved one. Imagine they were experiencing the same emotions and self-criticism. What would you offer to them? How would you respond? Then offer the same care and kindness to yourself that you would offer to your loved one.
2b. Bring to mind a close friend or loved one. Imagine how they would respond to you if they knew your experience in this moment. Would they agree with the critic, or would they try to support you and care? See if you can feel this kindness and compassion.
Self-Compassion Meditation
Outside of these daily practices, I also want to encourage you to try some self-compassion meditation. In self-compassion meditation, we offer ourselves phrases of kindness and compassion. It may feel inauthentic at first (more on this below in the section on common obstacles), but we slowly orient ourselves toward gentler responses.
With time and consistency, we grow able to naturally meet the difficulties like beating ourselves up with more patience, presence, and tenderness. Research has found specifically that compassion meditation interventions can reduce self-criticism. In that study, participants also experiences a decrease in self-hate and perceived stress, as well as an increase in mindfulness, self-reassuring, and life satisfaction.
My recommendation is to incorporate some periods of self-compassion regularly. Research shows that frequency and consistency are important when it comes to meditation, perhaps more so than total time meditated. If you want the benefits of practice and to make it a regular habit, try to meditate regularly. I cover this research more in my post How Often Should You Meditate as a Beginner?
Common Obstacles
There are a few obstacles to self-compassion that I come across frequently with my students. You may or may not have these, and they don’t signify anything right or wrong with you or your practice.
It Feels Fake
This is a common experience, and I’ve had it myself many times. Sometimes the self-compassion can feel forced or lack authenticity. So be it! It doesn’t have to be deeply heartfelt, especially at the beginning. To some degree, we can fake it til we make it. By trying to respond with self-compassion, we are retraining the mind. Even if it doesn’t feel emotionally like compassion, we are at least orientating ourselves toward a wise response.
I Feel Undeserving
This is another common obstacle we may come up against when practicing self-compassion. We might not feel deserving of the care, or feel that the pain is not a big enough deal to warrant such compassion. We can use the friend practice from above to consider this. If someone you love deeply is suffering, do you question whether they deserve care? No. Compassion doesn’t have prerequisites! We can notice this thought, and leave it be (or perhaps have compassion for it).
Self-Criticism Serves Me
I understand the sentiment that self-criticism serves us in some way. It can feel like it keeps us motivated. However, consider this. What if you could work toward goals and intentions in the same way, but without beating yourself up? The reality, in my opinion, is that we actually can work toward the goals and intentions even more efficiently with care and wisdom instead of judgement and self-criticism. Your growth is not dependent on you beating yourself up.
Building Self-Compassion
If you want support in cultivating a more compassionate relationship with yourself, I am here to work together. Through mindfulness coaching sessions, we can work to identify your goals, practices that work for you, and how to incorporate mindfulness and compassion into your life. To see if we’re a good fit and get to know each other, reach out for a free consultation here.
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Matthew Sockolov is a Buddhist meditation teacher who trained at Spirit Rock Meditation Center in Woodacre, California. Completing the Dharma Leader training program in 2017, Matthew was given power to teach in the Insight Meditation tradition by Jack Kornfield, Kittisaro, Thanissara, and others. You can learn more about Matthew here.